(Cracked Not Broken Final Summary)

At the age of 19, Kevin Hines jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to end the pain and torment he was experiencing associated with his diagnosed bipolar disorder. I thought Bipolar disorders were just really bad mood swings but it’s much more serious than that. Kevin survived the jump and his memoirs are a chilling account of the despair, pain and tragedies he faced.

Bipolar disorder affects the brain and causes changes to a persons mood, energy and their ability to function. People diagnosed with Bipolar disorder live with intense, sometimes extreme emotional states refered to as “mood episodes.” Kevin’s story gives us an inside look into his fight against the voices that drove him to jump from the bridge that day. There are 3 catagorized mood episodes: manic, hypomanic, and depressive. Those diagnosed with bipolar disorder will experience periods of normal mood as well. There are 2 types of bipolar disorder, bipolar 1 and bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 is usualy diagnosed and characturized by manic episodes. These episodes may cause the person to feel on-top of the world one day followed by feelings of sadness and hopelessness. Bipolar 2 is diagnosed when there is at least one major depressive episode and one hypomanic episode with periods of normal mood in between episodes.

Kevin’s story is important to share because it has the ability to inspire and cultivate hope and courage for those experiencing mental health and inspire them to seek help, but also for those people who have lost loved ones to suicide. Kevin’s description of being denied his medication was heart breaking to read and was a sad reminder that the mental health system is broken.

“‘Mr. Hines, your insurance does not cover these medications.’

My jaw literally dropped and my eyes watered with near-tears.”

“I envisioned my life without my treatment: all that I worked so hard for falling off of a monstrous cliff back into great depression, psychosis, and I heard the footsteps of fear grasping at my soul.”

“I will die without these medications, I could die, please is there anything you can do to help me, I need my meds.’ She swiftly replied without feeling that: ‘You need to take that up with your insurance carrier.”

This is quite common but none the less a reality for many individuals trying to survive and recover from neurobiological brain conditions like bipolar disorder. Kevin places great importance on his self wellness plan that includes his friends, family, diet & exercise, therapy and medication. Overall, I enjoyed the book. However, I did start to find it quite repetitive throughout the second half and think Kevin’s book would have been better if had been written by a professional writer and I found some of Kevin’s thoughts hard to follow. That being said, it is hard to be critical of this book because it does a great job explaining the symptoms and struggles associated with his bipolar disorder diagnosis.

Today, Kevin is married and is a champion for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Together with his wife, they run the Kevin and Margaret Hines Foundation and he now believes his life has purpose and he continues to spread his message that its ok to not be ok and its ok to ask for help.

“My heart pounded. It seemed ready to jump out of my chest. My eyes were wide. My thoughts raced”. The voices in Kevin’s head were determined and purposeful, screaming ” you are a horrible person, die now, you must die, jump now, do it I hate you”. Kevin believed he had to die and today, Spetember 25th, 2000 would be the very last day of his life.

Kevin arrived at the bridge, tears streaming down his face and although his mind was consumed with thoughts of suicide, he hoped someone, anyone would notice and ask him if he was OK. Kevin paced back and fourth on the bridge once he had found “the spot” and thought to himself, “nobody cares! absolutely nobody cares”. Kevin ran quicky toward the railing without caution and used his arms to throw his body over the railing. Head first Kevin fell fast, (about 75 mph) and his final thought before hitting the freezing cold water below was that he didnt want to die. Kevin did not die that day but instead he was awakened and his faith in god restored. Kevin remembers feeling god there with him in the water and belives he was saved that day by a higher power. Kevin now had to face a long and painful road to recover from his psysical injuries but his battle with mental health was far from over.

A long road ahead

Kevin didn’t only have to recover from the damage he caused to his body but his life long journey to learn how to manage his mental health was just beginning. Kevin would spend a considerable about of time in and out of psyciatric hospitals over the next several years. However, During that first stay kevin met a priest that encouraged him to share his story and changed his life forever.

Throughout these last few weeks dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic, I have repeatedly asked myself, what advice would Kevin Hynes (the author of Cracked not Broken) have to give individuals living with mental health during this situation and if he has any advice for support workers. So, I looked him up and asked him……. I know right. I was a bit nervous and had to really talk myself into it.

Now, while I sit here and wait for a reply, I want to talk about chapter 3 “The Night Before”.

It’s September 24, 2000 Kevin is only 19 years old and he has given away his prized possessions and made a commitment to himself to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge the following day. Kevin refers to this as “suicidal ideation” and can best be described as thinking about and planning suicide. At this point, Kevin is tormented with consistent and relentless hallucinations both auditory and visual. These voices and images repeatedly told Kevin he was “a horrible person” and he “had to die”. Kevin describes his hallucinations as being so real he could see, taste and smell them and reading about his experience is haunting. Kevin could only focus on one thing, he needed to end his immeasurable pain at all cost and jumping of the bridge tomorrow is how he plans on doing it.

Since social distancing has become mandatory and most of us are living in isolation, I have had a difficult time staying focused. However, a wise person said to me last week, we are the harshest of critics on ourselves and that we can only liberate ourselves and know that we are each doing our best under these extraordinary circumstances so RELAX, and plaese be kind to yourself today.

Since Kevin’s adoption he had experienced a fairly normal life with a quite normal family. Like most adolescents Kevin dealt with bullying and social pressure but eventually settled in with a small group of friends. Kevin Looked up to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and during his freshman year he joined the high school’s junior varsity wrestling team. Kevin would later go on to win gold for the entire championship that season and refer to it as “the highlight” of his high school career.

In the beginning of Kevin’s junior year he was taken off a medication called Tegretol that he had been on since the 4th grade because he had suffered a grand mal seizure caused by lesions on his brain from repeated head trauma and injury as a baby. The problem with this was that the medication was also used to help people with mental health problems, depression and mood disorders.

Kevin and his family were unaware that the medication had been supressing the development of his manic depression, bipolar and serious psychosis.

Thoughts:

After I read this section of the book I am totally drawn into the story and how Kevin’s mental health will progress without medication hiding it. I can hypothesize that Kevin will begin to experience repeated episodes of terrifying psychosis involving delusions and hallucinations such as seeing and hearing things that are not real or having unrealistic persistent thoughts and behaviors. 

Cracked, Not Broken is a book written by Kevin Hines. The book recounts the struggles Kevin has faced throughout his life, his battle with mental health and most importantly, his near fatal jump from the Golden Gate Bridge on September 24, 2000. To date, only 25 individuals have survived the jump out of 1700. This is Kevin’s story.

Kevin and his brother were born to drug addicted parents. He and his brother Jordache, who would die at less than two years old from bronchitis, where repeatedly left alone in dirty, rundown hotel/motels while their parents roamed the streets to score the drugs they needed to feed their addictions. Keven describes the condition he and his brother were found in by police officers as “scrawny, malnourished, red faced and creaming for their lives.” Kevin became a legal ward of the state of California and was quickly adopted by his parents Debi and Patrick Hines. Kevin joined the Hines family quite seamlessly and began to live a normal life with his new loving parents and siblings to keep him company. At first glance, it would seem that Kevin had it made, however Kevin nor his family could have predicted the mental health madness that would plague their lives before Kevin would turn 20.

• I’m looking forward to diving deeper into this book and seeing if the mental health troubles Kevin lives with will have any connection to his parent’s drug use prior to his birth and what mental health issues they may have been living with themselves.

So 2020 has arrived and my hopes for this new year are to maintain my focus with my studies in order to continue on to a bachelors degree program in the fall. I would like to decrease my stress level and resolve to make more time for self-care and meditation.

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